Monday, April 18, 2011

Looking back

An excerpt from my 2004 journal:

I need to always remember what is reality and what is fantasy. I am broken, clumsy, awkward and weird. This was really driven home this weekend when I invited M to sleep in our [Roommate & I] room. Of course sometime during the night my throat closed up and I started making my 'noises'. M was surprised as this was the first time she heard them. As is usual, Roommate made fun of me and they both were giggling thinking that I was fast asleep. Well that hurt and just served to make me feel more insecure [...] just a reminder of one more imperfection that I have. This is just one more reason why I am pretty sure I will not get married. I mean who would want to live with a person who is clumsy, awkward and most of all makes weird noises??? Will I ever find someone who will not laugh at me? Will I ever find someone who will accept me for me? I wish...what's the point? I highly doubt I ever will so that ends my story today.

What sadness! What despair! What misery I put on myself! I forgot to remember that God holds me in the palm of His hand(Isa. 41:10). That He is working in me, to will and to work  His good pleasure(Phil. 2:13). Most importantly, God works all things for the good of those who love Him!
How I wish I could go back and comfort me during this bleak time and remind me that this God who is bigger than my circumstance is yet always present with me in my circumstance, my sadness and despair. In the words of an old hymn:

"Be not dismayed whate'er betide, God will take care of you"

Is this you maybe today? Be of good cheer kindred spirit, God is with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. He is holding you in the palm of His hand. Cry out to Him and let His love and peace wash over you. Rest safe in His arms and cling to His promises. Here is a recent song that I have come to love. I wish Phil Wickham had written it back in 2004!!!

This is my list of thankfulness today:
#47  Looking back and seeing God's comfort in my life
#48  All the imperfections and oddities that make me, ME
#49  I DID get married :) God provided me with a wonderful MrH
#50  MrH who has never once laughed at my 'noises'
#51  He laughs at me though for having silly insecurities
#52  He shares some of his own
#53  He dances in the grocery store aisles which cracks me up!
#54  Hearing a song on the radio/from a CD that you just have to sing along to!
#55  A chance to show a coworker that you care
#56  All the jacarandas in bloom
#57  Sermons that make you think
#58  Sermons that remind you of the simplicity of the gospel
#59  Amazing garage sale deals
#60  Getting to see out of town family


  1. I seriously hope that wasn't me!!!! I don't remember anything like that happening when I was your roomie. I do remember waking up the first night I slept in our room and thinking you were going to die! I never knew your "noises" made you insecure. I would have certainly told you they shouldn't. I am glad that God has given you peace about it and a wonderful husband who doesn't laugh. If I ever made you feel bad about that I am soooo sorry cause I never thought it was funny just a part of you and I LOVE you :) Thanks for sharing you thankful list makes me want to make one myself :) Love you girl. Miss you!

  2. Oh no! This was pre you :)
    Plus I know my roomies at the time were not being snarky or anything - you know the laughing you do when you don't know how to react :)
    Love you too and I'd encourage you to make your own list. Turns your day from gloomy to glorious!!!

  3. I love that song. How wonderful that you learned those lessons of our Father's love for you!

  4. Merci MrsH pour votre liste!
    Votre français est très bien!
    May the Lord bless you with your new husband ;-))
    I'm sure you are already!

  5. Such raw vulnerability in that journal entry; such pain and hurt. And such redemption in God's love. Yes, the palm of His hand.

    And horray for a husband who loves you, including all your quirks (because we all have them, you know!).

    Thanks for linking up at Graceful today -- so wonderful to meet you here!

  6. Beautiful reminder of God's constant love and care!

    I have some free Easter / "He Is Risen" blog buttons if you would like one to display on your blog during Holy Week! They are on my blog and free to anyone who would like one. :-)

    Celebrating His resurrection,

  7. Well, its always a blessing to see even in what seem like dispair, sadness and failure. God is still able.

    Today, you would have dealt with that same situation differently. What a blessing--GROWTH.

  8. Thank you everyone for your kind words, I am warmed by the responses. Indeed Laura, God's love is amazing!
    Rachel may God bless you too :)
    Michelle thank you for stopping by and daily I learn more about this God I serve.
    Melanie your blog buttons are beautiful, God truly has given you talent.
    SisterGirl, your words are so true- I have grown and I thank the Lord for that :0
    God bless you all sisters in Christ!!!